Solid Words

"Following are six of the most significant factors to consider in assessing other people. I want to make it clear that these are my top six of dozens of possible things to observe about someone else...(M. Yapko)

First and foremost : A well developed sense of responsibility.

Good relationships are difficult enough between two reasonably intelligent, emotionally healthy people. But if you don't have a well-developed sense of responsibility, you don't have the foundation for doing all of the important things that you must do to keep a relationship healthy....the following are examples of what responisbility looks like in relationships:

A responsible person commits to performing the tasks that represent an agreed-upon division of labor within the relationship ("I'll cook if you clean" or "I'll research and report on the technology for this new program is you'll write up the proposal") One person doesn't get to kick back while someone else does it all.

A responsible person does what she says she will do and can be depended upon to follow through on commitments. Her promise is as good as gold. ("I said I'd do it, so count on it.")

A responsible person doesn't isolate his spouse, partner or colleague (You don't like my drinking? That's your problem!") A responsible person accepts that he is not responsible for other people, but is responsible to them. When one person in a good relationship says, "This is a concern for me," the responsible person helps address it directly and in a timely way.

A responsible person doesn't put ther people's well-being at risk for his or her own benefit ("I know I have a family depending on me, but I've always wanted to climb Mt. Everest and now here's my chance").

A responsible person doesn't blame other people for the the choices he made ("I had to hide my mountain of debt from you because I knew yuo'd be furious with me for spending money we don't have").

A responsible person doesn't walk away from an interaction just because it's difficult ("Stop talking, you're giving me a headache!").

A responsible person doesn't threaten other people or otherwise try to control them ("Either you cut back on your hours or I'm leaving you").

A responsible person doesn't ignore the needs of others who've been led to believe they can depend on her just because her original commitment is no longer convenient ("I know I said I would be there, but that was before I got tickets to the concert").

The ability to take responsibility for one's actions is often not very easy. Cognitive dissonance leads people to justify rather than apologize for some pretty bad behaviour. the importance of being able to say "I'm sorry" to someone you've wronged cannot be overstated, and there are few better possible displays of inegrity .(p58-59)"