You think it should matter, but it doesn't.

"How do I respond to a partner who gives me mixed messages about their commitments in our relationship?" a client recently asked.

In his case he wanted a commitment from a woman he had dated for several years. She kept repeating that she loved him, but always added that she was not yet sure whether she wanted a long term commitment. Shortly thereafter, he was offered a job in another city, asked her to accompany him, but she said she was not sure. He decided to move anyway. After the move, he missed her. She did not contact him, but everytime he called her she sounded happy to hear from him and asked him to visit her. He was wondering whether he should stay in touch. This is what I said.

“Neither. If you stay in touch and she genuinely loves you, she’ll think you’re the kindest and most understanding man in the world even though she causes you so much pain in her indecision; if she doesn’t love you, it will make her feel guilty and freak her out each time you contact her. And if you don’t stay in touch, that won’t matter either. If she loves you, she will find your indifference appealing and enticing; and if she doesn’t love you, your indifference will simply validate her impression n that you are not the man to be with and it was great that you moved away. So stay in touch or don’t stay in touch. You think it should matter, but it doesn’t”.