The Race as a metaphor for personal success and enduring friendships

It gives me pleasure to post an e-mail sent to members of a community running team from the head of their club. It can be read on many levels, but at the most inspiring, it can be read as a metaphor for setting goals and accomplishing them in one's own time, one's own way and with the support of like minded runners. Thank you Paul.

When the race is over and the legs are sore, I always reflect on the past few months and the journey that brought me to complete another race. I’ll share some of my reflections because you are all such an integral part of that journey.

It seems my life is organized in 16 week blocks - sound familiar? It may seem mundane or boring to many but 16 weeks is the time that I need to regain the strength to challenge myself to running another marathon. 16 weeks is the time I invest in myself knowing that there will be a moment, an experience that will once again prove to me that it is was all worthwhile and that with determination I can face the difficulties that life places on my path. The marathon and the training is for me a manifestation of the perseverance that is needed to overcome adversity and work toward being a better, stronger person. I run to remind myself that I should never give up on what is important even when it seems painfully difficult.

I have often said that the support provided by running with a group is a tremendous benefit not only with the discipline required to train but also in the friendships that develop. I believe that would be a common doctrine for many of you. However, it becomes apparent on race day that many of us run alone. It is the moment when we prove to ourselves that we are here for our own reasons and will do our best to achieve the goal we set out to do. Some succeed, some not, some will be proud and some will be disappointed but I hope that each one of you, regardless of the outcome, is proud of what you set out to do.

I am proud that you came to the Start Line and did your best to overcome the adversity that was placed in front of you. The marathon is never easy but it is an experience worth living and I am proud that you joined me in Ottawa and hopeful that I have contributed to a memory that will stay with you for years to come.

My sincerest congratulations to all of you and I look forward to our next experience together.

Hypnosis Scripts

This week I am going to have six scripts professionally recorded.

1. hypnosis and sleep
2. hypnosis: challenging the language barrier in couples
3. hypnosis: managing change in a time of uncertainty
4. hypnosis: an introduction and invitation to experiencing hypnosis
5. hypnosis: 3 - 5 minute relaxation breaks at work
6. hypnosis and reframing physial discomfort

On final completion at the studio, they will be available for purchase on the web site.

Are you caring for a loved one? Read this.

My friend wrote an important blog message of support and caring for all those caregivers out there. I told him I would share it because...well...it needs to be said and heard by those who care well.

Thank God for the caregivers that we get. Hopefully, all patients are as fortunate as I am, to have someone who is tolerant of their mood swings, their indecisiveness, their sometimes unusual demands and the general pain in the asses that we can be.They are inflicted with the pain of watching a loved one go through something like this in addition to the unexpected pressures placed on them to become full time nannies.In many ways, their lives become as upside down as the patients'.They want to let you have it at times (and deservedly so) but they will defer to you, keeping their frustration bottled up inside.We are given a free pass often, out of sympathy I guess.I try my best to take care of my own needs whenever I can, but she knows when to pick up the slack.A symbiotic relationship develops in which the patient tries to alleviate some of this pressure on them and the caregiver knows when they should back off and when they need to jump in with both feet to offer physical and emotional support.If you can't make this happen, misery will prevail on both sides.If you do make it happen, it is a beautiful thing to behold. The condition of the patient causes this to be an extremely liquid process.Some days they are in good shape and require little attention but some days due to the drugs or the psychology of their situation, they require as much attention as a newborn.The tightrope that the caregiver walks must surely wear them out. I think there should be some kind of sick day/vacation day clause written into their unspoken contract.They need some time to get away from the circumstances and be able to breathe some cool clean air under a bright blue sky, far removed from their daily duties, while their batteries and brains recharge, getting ready for the next round.Looking at it from the other side, I think I'll stick with being the patient, it seems to be a much easier job.I have one of the best and although we are in the early stages of this ordeal, I know that she will be there till the end no matter what the result is.

Thanks, Doug.

When you don't know how to do something ask someone who does it well

When I need help I ask. I see it as a strength in me and always in others. I have the luxury of tapping into some of the best thinkers out there in the field. One evening after speaking with my friend, Doug I decided to write my professional colleagues about how do you do your best to help someone who is facing a life-threatening disease and who describes mortality yapping at his heals (and you are afraid of dogs).

I have included here part of a response I received. I think it is valuable to share.

...just a few words about what I have found helpful. In working with clients that was helpful and thinking back on what I did not do so well with family and friends I discovered the best I could do was be there to affirm their fear and let them talk about it while I validated their thoughts. Then I slowly led them to imagine what they hoped it would be. This was also mixed with much talk about what they might want to say to those they love, hear from those they love, etc. The biggest fear was when is it going to hit and how. So my approach was to help them talk about the important emotional issues that really matter to them. I imagine that you have done that but I found it important to just keep listening and then gently redirecting to what they actually have control over in the moment and that is how they can think about how they want it. That said, it is important to remember that ther is no great solution. When people have great fear of death sometimes there is not much we can do. Sometimes talking about the fear is all that is necessary because most people try to steer the conversation away from this and so they can't deal with the feelings and become overwhelmed. If you actually know what the real fear or other issues are you can be the most effective possible. It might be sitting and speaking softly about many wonderful memories or imaginings, of things he might imagine himself working on, building, etc., in his dozing. It is such a loving act to be with someone when they are dying. It is also very difficult. Please take care of yourself and remember that he is displaying his act of faith and love in you as a friend just by asking you to be there with him
Warmest thoughts. ------

Feeling like you have over-painted your life?

Here is a new hypnosis script. The goal is to peel back layers to possibility now. Perhaps it is cryptic, but I think it is worth sharing.

Allow yourself to develop a blank slate
And a slate is often dark and smooth
with your eyes closed to the outside world
Listen to your breath as you inhale
Feel the cool air as you commit to the next moment
And then
Exhale
Letting go of the past and the future you do not know yet
If you choose
Rich colors and textures can begin to emerge,
A feeling, a tune or a smell that reminds you of a peaceful time
And you are beginning to relax deeper now
Discomfort blends into comfort and
as you listen to my voice
the tone resonates
undulates
reminding you of a long anticipated rest
now
Stay awake
to possibilities
The slate begins to change into a canvas that has
Many layers of paint
And each layer represents
Different moments in your life
How curious you might think
When I suggest we are going to un-rpaint
Where
You have over-painted.
An artist once told me that when she over-paints she kills a picture
But this canvas breaths
It is heavy with experiences
Experiences push against each layer
Now is all that exists
The past is the past
Positive lessons drawn forward are wrought with possibility
And each layer can be perfectly pulled off like a plastic laminate
Slowly with purpose
Remove the top most layer
And instantly feel lighter as you set each aside
And each layer thereafter,
Continue to feel a lightness within
Within yourself and
Within the re-emerging canvas
More deeply relaxed.
Focus on the comfort of setting the past aside
Focus on the comfort of the blank page
Focus on a warmth that can spread throughout your body
Beginning with your finger-tips,
Rising up you arm and down to your toes.
Finally, lift the last layer and reveal
The white canvas and breathe deeply with a renewed comfort
As the white invites you into possibilities
And what of white
Renewal,
Rebirth,
Relax...deeply as you focus now on the future you don’t know yet
With the positive knowledge you have drawn
From the past
Suggesting the possibility of raising a steady hand
To a fresh canvas
Painting a landscape from the many you have seen before
Differently
With a greater precision
Definition
Sketching out goals and roads
And roads are built to be traveled
Now take ... a few minutes to deeply relax,
Entertaining possibility
And when you are ready...begin to re-orient yourself to the environment around you.
Notice,
When you open your eyes
That you feel lighter and see things
Which you have seen before
differently

Remember: We are until we are not

So, Doug moves into his third week of chemo and he reminds us all that he remains a contender, is a brave man and has not lost his voice. Check out his blog. http://doughasamyloidosis.blogspot.com .

Just because I am sick, it does not mean that I have stopped thinking about the rest of the world and what is happening in it. Korea is still launching missiles...and especially important, the Red Sox and Yankees are running neck and neck again.

You think it should matter, but it doesn't.

"How do I respond to a partner who gives me mixed messages about their commitments in our relationship?" a client recently asked.

In his case he wanted a commitment from a woman he had dated for several years. She kept repeating that she loved him, but always added that she was not yet sure whether she wanted a long term commitment. Shortly thereafter, he was offered a job in another city, asked her to accompany him, but she said she was not sure. He decided to move anyway. After the move, he missed her. She did not contact him, but everytime he called her she sounded happy to hear from him and asked him to visit her. He was wondering whether he should stay in touch. This is what I said.

“Neither. If you stay in touch and she genuinely loves you, she’ll think you’re the kindest and most understanding man in the world even though she causes you so much pain in her indecision; if she doesn’t love you, it will make her feel guilty and freak her out each time you contact her. And if you don’t stay in touch, that won’t matter either. If she loves you, she will find your indifference appealing and enticing; and if she doesn’t love you, your indifference will simply validate her impression n that you are not the man to be with and it was great that you moved away. So stay in touch or don’t stay in touch. You think it should matter, but it doesn’t”.